Throwback Thursday – Classic n8itude Original Article
Adapted from original article (circa 2004)
I figured the delay was long enough to warrant two .. yes TWO posts in 2 days. Also chalk it up to having a good Friday night that made me extra relaxed for 2 days and not wanting to do any freelance work on the weekend.
Maybe it’s the NBA season ending or I’m still on a high from the Hulkamania fiesta from the last 2 weeks, but it’s time I ask the question: Who is the worst movie star – Shaq Attack or Hulkamaniac?
Yes we all know “The Big Aristotle” and “Hollywooood” are known as legends in their respective sports. They are multiple time champions, the faces of their era’s and revolutionized their industries.
What sets them apart from the regular “stars” and rockets them into the upper echelon of pop culturedom is that they are not only masters of competition but of self-promotion.
F**k book deals and clothing endorsements, all stars have that shit. They have that and more, but does Michael Jordan have a video game??? Ok .. wait bad example. Does uh Kobe Bryant have a video game AND a music “career”? I think not.
Technically Shaq doesn’t really have a music career either since it’s paid by him, he sucks and it’s a pure vanity thing … but STILL.
Hogan can answer Shaq back (take heed Macho Man) with his OWN budding msuic career. Aww yeah the Wrestling Boot Band. Simply CLASSIC. Hogan even beat Savage to the mic when he rapped back in the original Hulkamaniac days. The tune is on random on the Corkscrew site. F5 a few times till u hear an old techno beat, then sit back and relax to the funky dope fresh rhyme slanger the hard rock head banger once again back is the incredible H, Hulk Hogan numba onnnnne.
Uh yeah, ummm yeah. Kobe, Savage and even Big Shaq can’t compare to the coup de gras of cool pop culture shit – your very own cartoon. Hulk Hogan’s Rock n Wrestling, c’mon you can’t f**k with that!!!
None of that really helps or answers the question on which “actor” sucks worse dans le film faisant des affaires. What? “Movie making business” bone heads – 2 french phrases in one post, see Madame whatever her name was Grade 12 French teacher I still remember some shit. Ok I googled it. F**k you.
Aiight it’s time to rate the action stars. Oh yeah it’s a double dose. Le uh .. dose doobluh. Aww f**k it, in the immortal words of Captain Tenneal, “LLLLLet’s Go!!!”.
Shaquille mumbles O’neal
Aiight I’m not gonna front. How can I even defend dude? The only reason he ever showed any promise was his 1st movie role was perfect. He played a Blue Chip (get it) prospect for a college Bball team that included fellow (at the time crazy ironic) Orlando Magic draft pic and team mate Penny Hardaway. They were coached by Nick Nolte. Did I say promise?? Why yes I did. The acting sucked. Whaddya expect it’s drunken Nolte and 2 big Bball playing college kids, Oscar wasn’t coming home with that one. Shaq didn’t have alot of speaking roles and the movie is fairly entertaining – yes I said that. I figured he’d get better or he was done once he stepped into the NBA.
Boy was I wrong on both accounts. He followed it up with Kazaam. Catwoman, Gigli, Glitter, White Chicks NONE of them compare to holy grail – the Casablanca of Horrible movies – KAZAAM. F**k it I’m not talking about it anymore. Look at that cover he’s just laughing at anyone who actually went to see this movie or bought the video even after knowing he was the main star. What they should have put on the cover was people crying when they left the theatres.
Have you ever noticed that Shaq has a Superman complex? Well some idiot decided, that the 1st real bad ass black superhero, an off-set of Superman not only needed to be made into a bastardized cheesy movie, but SHAQ had to star in it!!! Oh good gawd.
Look a description is not needed. Just look below that is all you need.
Rating: -753 points. I think that’s a record.
It looks like Hogan has it in the bag. After all, his entire business revolves around acting. Now as long as he doesn’t choose ridiculously cheesy kids movies who have fairly better acting chops than him, he should be all go– awww man, what the f**k did I just say to do Hogan damnit. You “Billy Gunn’d it!!!”.
“Hollywood” Hulk Hogan
What more can I say that those covers don’t already? A picture is worth a thousand wasted reels of film.
Like Shaq he started out aiight in his debut with a limited role and he was aiight. Didn’t say or do much, so it didn’t hurt as much. Then Vince McMahon decided to make movies. Oh boy. Hogan vs yet another Oscar contender Tiny ‘Zeus’ Little. It sucked.
Large Starr Jones balls.
But that didn’t prepare you for the next string of flicks from Hogan aimed at .. I guess, retarded children. Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, Secret Agent Club and 3 ‘piece of shit, more blasphemous than giant turtles, sugary I swear to Ganesh I wanna send them to the Neverland Ranch’ “Ninjas.”
But as much as I wanna tank on it. The movie most people remember the most has been played so much it’s become a guilty pleasure. Of course I’m talking aboot the Holiday “treat” – Santa With Muscles.
Ok look it’s pretty frickin bad. But it’s that bad acting that makes me like it so much. And hey it launched the career of Mila Kunis and that is a good thing.
Even though I watch parts of it from time to time, that doesn’t make it good. It also doesn’t excuse him for the steaming pile of mud sausages movie career that he has tortured film screens with.
Rating: -7 x 753 points. Now I KNOW that’s a record.
Yes folks Hogan is ur uh .. Winnnar. He’s 7 times worse a movie star than Shaq squeals. Then again he’s made more movies, he’s had more time to f**k up all our corneas.
And like the true champion who just doesn’t know when to quit .. Hogan gave us more. Oh yeah. A TV acting career that’d make Hasselhoff jealous. Except for the fact that Hasselhoff’s bad acting made him a bajillionaire. Or was it the tone deaf Germans? Whatever.
Man if a show that starred Carl ‘Apollo Creed’ Weathers, Shannon ‘Softcore Queen’ Tweed and Hulk Hogan couldn’t succeed, you KNOW the acting was shitastic.
Now if we had to compare who is the coolest? Without a doubt the comparisons would go down like this:
Hogan doesn’t need to f**k around on the mic anyways. He’s part of the NEW MTV crowd “electing” to vote with P. Diddy rather than to die. Oh yeah did I mention, he made an ogling sensation for years to come … BROOKE!
I love the finger point, it’s like he’s pimping her out.
Also, when you’re a champ, other champs WANT to hang around you and be like you.
Have you ever seen Hogan in a Shaq jersey? No. Well maybe it’ll happen now that he’s in Miami, but it hasn’t happened yet. Buuuuuut Hogan seals the deal with the unadulterated fact that Shaq is a Hulkamaniac.
NBA Championships, MVP awards, World Titles, Hall of Fame inductions, one would be happy to call it a day. But no. Not for egomaniacs who live on competition and adrenaline. The result = some of the most horrible music and acting that have ever been unleashed. But the question is who sucks more?